on a lazy, rainy day with nothing in particular to do, one might relax and take it easy. curl up on the couch and read a good book, enjoy a warm bath, watch a favorite movie.... sounds brilliant. but revisiting old memories? the ones that make your heart smile one second, and then cause you painful heartache the next? not so brilliant.
the other day, i picked up more containers to organize some things that i had accumulated over the years. i came across my fifth grade "autograph" book, an NYC metro card from seventh grade, and letters from friends wishing me the best in new hampshire after the move. my memories from elementary, middle, and high school still lay scattered on my living room floor. i had moved on to something else.
finally unable to avoid it any longer, i attempted to go through the boxes that held over four years of history from my relationship with jimmy. it was time to consolidate everything into the 65-quart container i had bought specifically for this. late morning, i dabbled into the past just enough to realize that my heart had fooled me once again. not once nor twice, but thrice i had myself convinced that the wounds had healed, that i had completely moved on "once and for all".
i don't have time for anything serious right now. and i probably won't for years to come. my ambitions will likely take me all over the country for quite a while. and that's okay. but it has been two years since i've seen him last.... walking away from the middlebury college bookstore toward his maroon ford f-150 parked by the proctor tennis courts.... we've stayed in touch over the internet, but it's not the same. seeing him again may be the key to finally getting some closure. there were plans for me to visit him in north carolina this spring, but he deployed to afghanistan before i got home from japan. next summer, maybe?
God bless our troops.
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